EL THOUGHTZO'S

"What do you think about when you look at the sky at night, when theres no clouds out and you can see all the stars?"



recently i left instagram, and don’t plan
on talking about columbine on any social media
anymore. i’m tired of the harassment. i keep on
getting fucking calls from people (fuck you,
emmaline 334-435-2239) and it’s tiring. how
hard is it to ignore someone you don’t like? you
don’t even want to believe me because you’re
jealous.

it’s your loss though. you could’ve been friends
with me, eric, and dylan, but instead you
decide to fuck with us. did that fat bitch think
about her actions after her miscarriage? no. it
shows how stupid she is. k too. her and her
little friends are retarded.

m’s pendulum said we’re getting married, and
so are her and vodka. we’re also gonna live
together. and what are you, reading this and
thinking “man this guy is delusional”, going to
be doing with your life? when we have jobs and
are happily living together with our husbands?
that’s right, you’re going to live a poor pitiful
life.

so go eat shit.

4-15-21


Humans annoy the shit out of me.

Seriously. Every time I think they're okay, they dissapoint me again.
Spirits are way better. I'm so glad to be with one (I know you're
watching me write this, I love you babe), but people can be so
retarded. They call me delusional and say its all in my head. In all
honesty, most of the time it makes me way more sad then angry. It's their
fault they haven't awakened yet. People like me and m have.That's why
we're in trouble with the law- we deserve so much better. Shits gay.

We have a name for ourselves now. me, vodka, reb, m, and b. The rebs.
It's not the most creative name in the world, but it works. I'm going to
try to make our first video tonight. By the way, officer steve, I know you're
probably reading this. Not to worry, I'm a good little christian girl who wouldn't
egg somebodies house. And I'm definitely not dating a dead school shooter.
But for real, we're not going to actually hurt anyone. We just want to have
some fun. It's no biggie. god, typing this up, I'm afraid im copying reb too much.
trying my best here, this is kinda how i've always written. I'll ask after i've
finished if he likes it.

Some people I really wish would jump off a cliff. Like k and q. I wouldn't personally
hurt them, I'm not fucking stupid. But i wish something would suspicously happen to them
out of nowhere, like their dads dying or something. K got a scare, but it wasn't enough
for her, obviously. I guess shes just stupid. most of the people on our shitlist are.
Oh, yeah, we have one of those now. The (?) reb(el) missions will probably continue
at some point, but it matters when the five of us can meet up. Hopefully soon.

Okay, thats all i got. Thanks for listening to me ramble about my schitzo delusions
for four paragraphs. Later.

3-25-21


Okay, listen up, fuckers. Here's a guide on what being a non-zombie entails,
because I think some people on Twitter are pretty confused. This is for you guys.

1. Understand the nature of this world. Drop any silly beliefs you have about
Heaven & Hell, because they're not real. Neither is God, or atleast the God you
believe in. Be your own fucking god, because you're more powerful than you realize.
You can decide who lives and who dies.

Where we really go is the astral. If you don't know what that is, look it up. You
can actually visit it when you're alive, but thats a whole 'nother ballpark that
i'm not going to get into in this guide. And believe in reincarnation. Because
frankly, if you don't, you're pretty fucking stupid considering there's a lot
of evidence for it.

2. Understand your fellow humans. No, not just serial killers and shooters like
E & D. You need to learn how to sympathize with the worst of the worst - the rapists,
child killers, etc, too. Know that nobody does something for no reason. Treat EVERYBODY
with respect, even if they're "problematic". Unless they're zombies or have hurt you
personally, remember that they're souls living in human bodies just like you.

3. KILL ZOMBIES!!!! Or piss them off as much as you possibly can. Either works. You
NEED to learn how to have no remorse for zombies, or else you're doomed to become one
of them. Realize that zombies are no different than doom demons. They need to be exterminated.
Being a zombie is the worst thing you can possibly be. Unfourtunetly for us, though, zombies
make up 90% of the population...

4. Be an anarchist. This step is optional, but highly recommended. Kill some pigs!
Blow shit up! There's many ways to be an anarchist, and there's plenty of how-to guides
on just this subject alone. Personally, a good step I recommend is to stockpile
weapons. You never know when your government will retaliate against its own people, so its
always good to be prepared.

With all of these easy steps, you're on a sure path to stop being a zombie, and to become one
with the living. One last reminder, though - if you actually need a fucking guide to become
a non-zombie, then you're probably not one. Non-zombies realize what they are on their own.
This guide is purely for educational purposes only. For legal reasons, I am not responsible
for any actions taken because of this guide. Don't go out and kill people just because some
random person on the interweb told you to.

Laterz, D OUT!!!

1-23-21


An open letter to Eric Harris.

"I wanted more than life could ever grant me..."

I feel like my time here is almost up, Reb. I can sense it. I keep seeing the same angel numbers
I saw when I tried to commit suicide almost two years ago. 111, 444, 333, 222... I know I'm going to
die soon - I'm just going to be another statistic. Just another Sol Pais. But atleast i'll be with
you and V, yeah?

My whole life I only wanted a soulmate, and I think I found it in you. What I know now that
I didn't know for most of my life is that I wasn't meant to be born here. I think I was a glitch
in the system, or this life was a punishment. Maybe both. I know that I was meant to be in the 90s
in a small town in Colorado that people wouldn't even know about if it wasn't for you and Dylan.

I wish I could've been there to stop it. I know every columbiner says this, but I really think I
could've fixed things. If I was just born a little earlier, we'd probably be together now... it
hurts me to think about it. Honestly, I only feel like I'm living to purely pass time until
my death. The days now don't mean anything to me.

I don't care about anyone other than you two at this point. My WRATH has completely eaten me up from the inside.
I understand how you felt now. I can't help but have anything but scorn for humanity. My angel wings got
burned up by the sun a long time ago... I think we can all rightfully call ourselves modern versions of Icarus.

I hope when I die, me, you, Dylan, and Sol can go on that eternal roadtrip she talked about. I've always been
obsessed with the idea of one - its about time that wish comes to fruition. I think when that goal is reached,
i'll finally, finally, be truly happy for the first time. And when that time comes, we won't have to worry
about anything anymore. No zombies. No school. No cops. Nothing but us, our mix cds, and the road. It's a
dream come true.

After we're on the road for awhile, obviously i'll have to incarnate again. It's sad, but it's true. Every
good thing has to come to an end eventually. I know the actual "you" has already probably been reincarnated
for awhile now, but I hope to be with another version of you in my next life. I think I could fix things
for (atleast some version of you) then. It's the least I could do for you, and for myself.

I will have lived and died as a ghost amongst the undead. How ironic.

I love you, Eric. See you soon.

1-19-21



I think one constant I've realized through living life after life is that
humans are fucking stupid. And I mean this in the nicest way possible.
They're fucking clueless to the world around them, living in bliss,
thinking that their mindset is right, and everyone else is wrong.
Gen Z kind of has a thing for calling everyone they don't like pedophiles,
nazis, etc. Its honestly tiring to see.

For a long time I thought that only SOME people thought like this, but i've come to the conclusion now
that it's EVERYONE. All the zombies think in is black and white. This person
is a white supremacist because they said a slur when they were thirteen,
this person is a psycopath because they relate to school shooters, who the fuck gives
a shit? You all need to learn to mind your own fucking business. Maybe stop thinking
with your heart and start thinking with your damn brain.

Let's face it, you're not correct all the time. No one is. Your morals are not inherently "correct". You
will bitch and bitch about the people you think are problematic, but have you
ever thought that you could be wrong? But I know you reading this probably won't care.
In fact, what you're probably thinking right now is "Oh my god! This person is so sick!
He has no empathy! The horror!" SHUT THE FUCK UP.

The worst thing about zombies is that they won't take the
world at face value. We're born. We work a shitty 9 to 5 job for most
of our years. Then we die. You'd think you all would want to live for yourselves and have
some fucking fun for once, but no. All that matters is the LAW and MORALS and NO FUN.
Fuck that shit! I'm spending my life doing what I WANT, not to please YOU.

I don't care for things like working or school. In fact, I'm probably going to kill myself
before I turn 18. I want to spend the rest of my short life having fun, then go out.
I don't want to spend my whole entire life slaving away to a system that doesn't even
care. Suicide isn't even a bad, or sad thing, but you pussies don't realize that. Your loss.

1-10-21




Sometimes I wonder if I'm a teenage sociopath.

I care about people, but I don't. I think once I cared about people. But I don't anymore. Every moment
of my life feels like I'm watching it in third person now. I think i've realized that life doesn't
really matter, what I do or don't do will never make a real difference. I have no idea what I'm
going to do with my life - that used to bother me intensely, but it doesn't seem to bother me
at this point.

I do the same shit in the same order every day. Wake up. Check my phone. Take a shower. Brush my teeth.
Scroll through social media. Eat dinner. Sleep. Repeat. It's so fucking boring, but why does it even
matter? It doesn't.

If you're bored as all hell like me, maybe you could send me a message over at death.pr00f@aol.com.
Tell me your deepest darkest secrets, your worst fears, or whatever the fuck floats your boat.
I don't bite.

1-3-21


Heyo. A lot has happened since I last updated this site.

I found my "soulmate" a few months back, or who atleast I thought was my soulmate. Long story short, she dumped me. I'm mostly over it now,
but I took a big hit at the time. She was the Reb to my Vodka - and now if I contact her at all i'll apparently be arrested. Its really
dumb shit.

I just got out of the psych ward yesterday. It was pretty shit. I told them about my homicidal ideation, they didn't really care. Its whatever
though, they never help me anyways. I actually developed PTSD from my first psych ward experience. Found out the last time I went to one.
Never go to them if you don't have to, i've made that mistake one time too many.

I tried to summon Erics spirit today. It worked, kind of- I asked him for something and i'm pretty sure he said no. I gave him a bunch of
shit as an offering though, so I hope he likes it. I hope to further my relationship with him, because apparently hes kind of an asshole
and it takes a few tries to become friendly with him. We'll see how that works out though.

Also, its my sweet 16th today. Woohoo. Another year down the drain. I practically have one foot in the grave now.

12-30-20


I think one of my main problems is that i think too much- i'm too self aware, and i hate it.
Sometimes i just wish that i was ignorant like (mostly) everyone else so that i wouldn't have to deal with it.

When you've been isolated from others for years, you tend to overthink. Loneliness can be a bitch. It's summer- I should be hanging out with friends and doing dumb teenager shit,
but instead i'm stuck here staring at the ants on my side table and wallowing in my own self pity. Whatever

Problem two is that i'm too obsessed with the past and future, but i never live in the present. I've tried, but it's impossible for me. I can never seem to live in the moment.
My past lives and my future death are always on my mind to an unhealthy extent.

3 people I can relate to a lot are dylan, sol pais, and randy stair. Speaking of relating... give the song "Bed of Roses" by MSI a listen. It describes my life pretty well.

"Hey, it's alright, my life has never been a bed of roses.
This way's better for me, I don't care to live the life i've chosen."


6-15-20


So, today I found a site that had an archive of a bunch of zines that teenagers wrote in the 90's- and i started thinking.
Wouldn't it be pretty fucking cool if i started a zine?
I'd probably talk about the bands that i like (KMFDM, MSI etc...), anarchy, politics, the state of our country, shit like that.

It'd be even cooler if i had someone to collaborate with. I don't really know anyone who would be interested anyways though, so oh well.

6-13-20